If you have ever had the privilege of visiting a toilet with a freshly slaughtered goat head accessory then you may think you have seen it all. That’s what I thought until I visited a reputable sushi restaurant in one of Joburg‘s swankiest malls, Hyde Park Corner. I too was a bit snooty about going to a mall for serious dining but apparently, in South Africa, it is perfectly acceptable.

I nearly choked on my edamame as I clock a lady massaging an older gentleman. She seemed rather relaxed about it, almost as if it was the most natural thing you can do. It got even weirder as said gentleman was tucking into his sushi and carrying on with a conversation with his dining companion. Once in a while he would close his eyes and purse his mouth in a most disturbing fashion, in my opinion this was the height of uncouthness.

I know it’s rude to stare but I really could not help it. I had so many questions flying through my head. Why would you have a massage whilst eating, when did that even become a thing, who dreamt up this weirdness?

The clientele at the restaurant was typically well-heeled; so it got me back to my favourite question. How do you know when you have made it. If making it looks like this then I would rather be on the other side. Just because you can buy it don’t make it right. Making it must come with a little humility and eating sushi is a joyful experience on its own, no need to add extras. I politely refused the opportunity for a massage, how dare they even ask me, nearly ruined the evening.

Jozi is the city of gold, people come from all over to make and lose their fortunes. The city is built for prosperity, dog eat dog, the only way to make it is to move quicker and hit harder. It seems walking is frowned upon, you are best to operate from a 4 wheeled vehicle and the fancier the better.

I think it’s good to walk but the city’s big wigs are at odds with me on this. I didn’t quite have the conversation but it was implied. I am walking on a pavement that looks like an assault course; not great, but I can manage. I get to the robots and the fun really begins. There are no pedestrian controls, so I assume the robots are smart. They are smart alright, they play all sorts of mind games with me. I wait my turn and it dawns on me that my turn, ain’t gonna happen, actually, the lighting sequence does not even factor in those who dare to walk. 

I breathe in, spot my chance and go for it. As I start to feel confident, the cars start making at me. The rage of the drivers was palpable but the trick to breaking Africa is to hold your nerve, something gotta give, but it ain’t gonna be me. 

The people in the cars gotta go make a dollar, so quite frankly, a person stupid enough to walk is fair game. They keep at me and I keep walking, steady does it. Six lanes later, I made it to the other side in one piece, and onto the next robot and so it went.

Dreams are made in Jozi, but from up high. Walking it seems is not the done thing. These pins are made for walking and I am gonna walk till I drop, even if it kills me.